Wednesday, 6 May 2015

A time for self-actualization

It's been a week since I stopped working.
I'm not gonna lie, I actually had a little bit of withdrawal from work.
It felt weird to stop the hectic work schedule that I've been having and 
seeing the faces I've been seeing for the past 4 months.
My friends call me a workaholic. 
And I guess that's true. I do love working.

But as time passes, I realized that I should really learn to stop and take a breath.
And this time that I have before my university life starts is a great
opportunity. Thus, I should really take the time to rest and re-evaluate my life because
times like this will never come again. 

And now, I'm so glad that I left my job.
I just signed up for another dance class.
I finally found a contemporary dance class that I really like based on the looks of it,
that is not where all the popular kids go to in their cliques,
somewhere I feel that I'll really grow. 
As of now, I'll be having dance classes 3 times a week.
One for contemporary, one for hip hop and the other for ballet.

I'm so happy I can cry.
I feel so proud of myself for having the courage to sign up for opportunities like 
these. The decision to leave my dance studio and going on to search for my own dance classes 
hasn't been easy. But I felt like I had to leave, because I feel like I don't belong there 
and at some point in time, it gets a little suffocating. 

Alright, I can't wait to attend the class!
At the moment, I'm watching as many movies and tv shows as I can
and I'm lovin it. I can't wait to get into my books soon too!!!

Okay, till next time :)

Friday, 1 May 2015

A bittersweet liberation.

It was my last day of work yesterday, 
and the original post I did regarding this just didn't seem to do justice to how exactly I feel about this.
So, I shall make another post.

As of right now, I'm feeling a bunch of different emotions.

I just feel that it's crazy how fate works out. 
At the start of the year, I felt absolutely terrified about getting this job.
There was just so much to learn, so much to do and I wasn't the most confident person.
And just after I felt like I was starting to get used to my work place, 
I got transferred into another work place that is even more difficult to work in as compared
 to my previous work place.
I also didn't think that I would be able fit in with my new colleagues.
It was a horrible feeling, and I was so tempted to quit.

And months after months, I just stuck with it. 
And all of a sudden, my bosses start telling me that I'm great at what I do, 
my colleagues seem to be increasingly accepting of me, 
my job seem to get less intimidating as I thought it'll be. 
And now, I've reached the end of my work life.
I'm proud to say that I've persevered through this really tough experience.

What made this farewell so bitter, was the bonds that I've made with my colleagues 
over the course of these months. They threw me a farewell party and they all left really sweet messages for me on my last day, and I must say I felt really touched. 
As a temporary staff, never would I expect to mean anything to anyone in that company.
In fact, I never felt like I meant anything to anyone in my own personal life.
I'm just thankful that my fate has crossed path with theirs.
It wasn't long, but it was great while it lasted and it'll always be precious to me. 
I'm gonna miss them so much.

But that's okay, I'll get over it.
I think it's time for me to take a break from life.
I'm experiencing a type of exhaustion right now, that I think even sleep 
wouldn't help. It's a type of exhaustion that has been accumulated through a long period of time.
All I wanna do is to have a ton of "me" time...
Watching movies or tv shows, reading a lot of books, dancing, exercising, sleeping.
I don't even want to go out  and socialize anymore.
I want to take a retreat from life for the time being.

Anyway, these 4 months have really taught me about learning to let go,
to let go of my control over my life and to go with the flow of life.
Times may be tough, but it'll be okay in the end and you'll be a better version of yourself.

Alright, I'm truly exhausted. 
I shall take a good long sleep now. 

Here's to May 2015!

Saturday, 18 April 2015


The picture above fully illustrates the state I'm in right now.
This month has been extremely hectic.
I've had to juggle the work life, my university applications, dance classes and
my social life all at the same time and I haven't had the chance to sit down
and catch a breath.

I'm so exhausted.

But the good news is, I survived.
I've been doing averagely well at work (a couple of mess ups, hopefully it'll all turn out fine),
I've been accepted into 2 universities so far,
I've been enjoying my dance classes, and I've had some fun
with my friends as well.

Also, my job will be coming to an end by the end of this month
and I cannot express the amount of anticipation I have for that.
I enjoyed working with most of my colleagues but this job
honestly scares the hell out of me.
I feel like I can't afford to deal with the consequences of messing up,
it's expensive.
Anyway, all I'm hoping for, is for the rest of my journey in this job
to be a smooth one, no mess ups.
I'm just going to have to do my absolute best, and not leave any mess for anyone
to clear up after I leave..

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Work in Progress

It's 2AM in the morning, and I just feel like reflecting back on
my life right now, because I feel like a lot has changed and is about to be changed even more. 
Furthermore, it's the first day of April today, time is passing way too quickly.

First off, my work life. 
I've been working for quite a few months now and I'd say I've been adapting to my
new work place pretty well. I'm getting the hang of things and I guess I'm getting better.
Okay, I still mess up from time to time (a lot). There are just some days where everything seems to
go wrong, and today is one of them. I just kept screwing up or problems just kept coming up.. 
I really hope that days like this don't come too often, because the consequences of the mistakes are 
too much for me to bear. One thing I've learnt from my work experience so far, is to relax and take things with a light heart, I feel like I perform better and mistakes made are minimised this way. 
I just have to remind myself to try my very best and concentrate on my task at hand, but to not let fear of making mistakes consume me. After all, this is my part time job and it's my holiday after the A'levels, I should learn to enjoy my job. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm counting down to my last month at work!!
I'm kind of excited, because I just can't wait to take a break from life and get back to reading books and watching tv shows and movies. This job has taken up the majority of my time and I'm beyond exhausted.
One thing for sure though, I'll miss my colleagues. I've got to bond with them for quite a bit in my time at work, and it's been really enjoyable. They're all pretty helpful and friendly, some of them are hilarious and it seriously makes work so fun sometimes.
Secondly, my study life.
I've just applied to all the schools that I'd be interested in studying. I got accepted into the overseas university that I applied for. I'm super happy, but the thought of the cost and fees really pull me back. This is gonna be a really hard decision for me to make... There are too many risks that come with going overseas and I don't know if I'll be able to cope with it. Right now, I'm just trying to keep my options open and by the time I receive all my offers, I hope I'll be able to come up with a decision that would make me happy.
For now, I'll wait.

Now, my personal growth.
I've been doing a lot of things independently recently. I signed up for dance classes alone (super happy to make a new friend through that), I watch movies alone, I eat alone and I can't be happier. The freedom of doing whatever you want with the money that you earned by yourself is so sweet. Friends are important, but learning to survive alone is even more important. Because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. And if you're able to find happiness by simply being you, you're good to go. Also, in doing so, I had to break out of my comfort zone a lot, and it's fulfilling to be able to experience new things.

So... a lot has indeed changed (me and my life) and I know it's in the process of changing 
even more, it's my life's work in progress. I hope that things will get better.
 At the end of the day, I just wanna live life to the fullest. 

Tuesday, 10 March 2015


I'm in a dilemma right now. 
For the last 2 years, I had such a clear idea of where I wanna be in future. 
I don't know why, but for some reason this idea seems to be diminishing. 
I suppose it's because of the unexpected bump in the road 
(My rubbish A'level grades)
that caused me to lose hope. 

It's not terribly bad, but it's not good enough for me to get into the course that I like..
Unless, I go through a lengthy tedious troublesome process.
And questions like "Is this really worth all the trouble?" or "should I give up"
starts popping in my head.

I can't believe this. 
I thought I believed in this dream so strongly. 
Anyway, as of right now, i'm stuck between choosing whether or not
I wanna stay behind in my home country to pursue courses that I may or may not enjoy
or leave home to pursue something I've been dreaming about.
I need some signs.. 
God, if you're reading this, please give me some hints.

The fine line between giving up and letting go of what may or may not be right for you. 
It's depressing, I almost feel like I need to re-examine my life. 

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Dear future me,

Now that I've gotten back my A'levels results,
it's time to think about my future.
This week, I've been spending quite some time researching on all
the universities matters and about the career opportunities that I'll get. 
I'm not gonna lie, it's exhausting. 
There's just so much to research for. 
But the bigger problem is, I'm in a dilemma of choosing between my passion
(in which is completely foreign to me) or my comfort zone 
(which I may not be super interested in).
And this decision could affect the way I spend the rest of my life,
 and this scares me. 

But for now, I'd like to take the time to step back from this bundle worries that I'm 
experiencing and do something I thought would be fun...
To write a letter to my future self and when come back to read this when I have lived
through the outcome of this choice. (Inspired by Andrea Russett's youtube video)

Dear future me,

I hope everything's been fine. You've been through so much to get to this point and I'm glad you've survived till now and I hope you'll continue to stay strong. Remember the time when you're still unsure of which path to choose? I don't know what you've chosen, but I just hope that you're happy and healthy. I hope you're still that determined, resilient and strong person you were last time. And also, have you becomet that independent person you aspired to be?

So first off, what's your favorite movie right now?
Is it still Interstellar by the amazing Christopher Nolan? Did he release anymore amazing movies?

Secondly, favorite bands?
Mine right now, is Tokio Hotel, Paramore, Mayday Parade, We The Kings and Yellowcard.

Favorite TV show?
Fringe? Nothing can beat Fringe..... 
How many time have you watched Fringe?

Current worries?
What I'll be doing by the time you're reading this. 
I hope everything's all right. 
I hope you're a better person than me. 

Current goals?
To be really succesful in my career,
to prove myself to my world.

Outlook on relationship?
Being single is the best. 

Anyway, that's about it really. I gotta head to bed because I have to work tomorrow. (Yes, the telecommunication customer service job that was super scary.... I hope nothing bad happened.)


Monday, 2 March 2015

The final stamp on my 2 year journey.

Today marks the official end to my A'levels life,
because I got my freaking results back.
It's the moment of truth, everything that I've been working for the past 2 years.

I would say that I'm just thankful that my results were not terrible.
I was just a little disappointed because I feel that my results were not on par
with the amount of hard work that I've put into this.
But all in all, my results do not determine my worth as a person.

Personally, I feel proud of myself for surviving 12 years of this education system.
I'd have to admit, I'm not a study person.
I can work harder than anyone else, change my study methods countless of times,
but I can never really do better than people who are just academically intelligent.
After struggling in my studies for so many years, I achieved average results in the end
and that's enough for me.

If there's one thing that I could've done in the 2 years,
that can result in me doing slightly better, it'd have to be not being
too hard on myself. I was so consumed with wanting to do well,
that I jeopardised my physical and mental health (I can still feel the effects of it today)
and I burned out in the end.

But, who would've known?
I'll treat this as a lesson learnt, and I don't have any regrets because in the
end it just proves that with hard work, you won't really go wrong.

Anyway, another journey awaits as I apply for the universities..
My dream course in my dream city.
And up next, my dream job. (I hope it comes true)
I don't know what's gonna happen or what God has planned for me,
(secretly hoping that it's similar to the plan that I've laid out for myself)
but I'll just keep going.