Friday, 24 July 2015

Best vacation ever.

It has been over 6 months since the A'levels ended,
and I can't believe this vacation is about to be over
I'll be heading back to school in less than a month. 
This holiday has truly been the longest and best one ever. 
I've had the time to accomplish so many things and to also
simply spend my time chilling at home.

I went on a holiday to my friend's hometown, I got my 
first ever job, I took my very first ballet/contemporary/hip hop class,
I had the time of my life with my friends, I chilled at home and watched
many many movies and tv shows. 
Some highlights of these experiences include, getting to meet new people,
being picked by the dance instructor to be one of the students who get featured on
her instagram, and watching all 10 seasons of Friends!


I've learnt so much about myself as well.
I've learnt the art of being alone and it feels AMAZING. 
You don't have to give in to anyone, or be obliged to do anything.
It's all in your control. And through that, I learnt to embrace my 
introvert personality. 

One thing I realized though, is how bad my social
anxiety is. I always knew that I had anxiety, but I didn't expect social
anxiety to be part of the package.
I've been to 2 orientation camps for my university so far,
and in both camps, I just found it really hard to open myself up to 
a whole new group of people. 

Having to introduce myself to a group of people literally
makes me tremble and when I do that, my voice gets really shaky. 
Deep down, I know that the people are really nice, 
but I can't really control it. 
I'll be super quiet and awkward, and omg, 
one on one conversations are the worst. 
In those moments, I really found it quite a challenge to just be myself, 
I really want to just melt into the ground and disappear.
It's crazy to me how people are able to shed their personalities so quickly
during these camps... I wish I could do that, you know?

I know I have to overcome this.. 
Cause no matter what, I'm still a social being. 
I love my introvert self, but I don't want my social
anxiety to handicap me from interacting with others 
and from potentially opening new doors in my life. 
How can I make an impact on the world, 
if I don't even have to courage to shed my personality 
and give a part of myself to others?

Anyway, I came up with some reminders to myself.. 
I hope it'll help me in future. 

1. Focus on the beneath. Ignore the superficial things about people such as their looks,
their popularity, their grades or their wealth... 
Just remember that deep down, we are all the same - humans. 
There's nothing to be afraid of.

2. People are not out there to judge you. 
They probably don't even care.

3. Share some of your light, bring some kindness to the world and the people around you 
by being yourself.

4. Giving compliments helps.

5. Ask more questions about people. It's great because you won't have to talk about
yourself, it's better than awkward silences and you get to learn more about others.

I have another 2 orientation camps coming up, 
hope it'll be better than the previous 2. 

Anyway, so what am I up to now that the vacation is about to end?
I'm watching "The Office", it's hilarious.
I'm watching SYTYCD 12, I love the new format of the show and
the talent on this season so far is amazing!!!!
I'm spending some time to research on how my university works.
I've been hanging out with some friends. (both old and my new university friends)

Yup, nothing fancy. 
I'm so gonna miss this vacation ):
Gotta enjoy it to the fullest.

I'll end of by posting some of my favorite routines on SYTYCD 12 so far.


Top 20 week 1 Team Street performance.
This routine by nappytabs was so great and powerful. 
All the dancers had so much charisma!!!


                                         

Top 20 week 1 Team stage performance by Hailee, Marissa and Alexia.
This routine by Brian Friedman was the bomb.
 The girls were sexy and powerful.
Props to them for dancing in those killer heels.


Top 20 week 1 Team stage performance by Jim and Darion choreographed by
Benoit Swan Pouffer. This routine was tough!!!! I felt like dying just watching it.
Mad respect for them for pulling it off so wonderfully.


Top 20 week 2 Team Stage performance by Travis Wall.
Loved this piece so much, the transitions and how well the choreography
matched the song. They were strong and I could definitely feel the team spirit.


Top 20 week 2 by Jim and Jaja.
This routine was just so sweet to watch. Jaja's facial expressions were everything
and Jim looked great doing hip hop :)


10th year anniversary performance by the all stars choreographed by Travis Wall.
Everything was so magical. The stage made it extra perfect and it took my breath away.
This dance just brought back lots of past SYTYCD memories for me. 

I'm excited to watch the rest of the season :)
Also, I'm so pumped for ABDC 8!!!!!!

A great year for dance indeed. 
Alright, that's it, I'm out.




Sunday, 12 July 2015

An emotional ride.

This week was definitely an emotional rollercoaster.

First things first, my best friend came to my house to spend the week.
She had a few errands to run before she officially migrates to her 
home country. And it was great cause it was like a major sleepover.

And then, I met my friends to plan for the courses we want to take
for our first ever university semester. The friends that I have are in a different school from 
me.. So naturally, I had to plan as an individual cause most of the courses I had to take are 
different from my friends. Now, comes the immense fear and pressure. I felt lost as hell and
millions of questions were running in my head. Will I be able to handle the school work load? Will 
I be able to perform well in school? Will I be able to balance school life and have fun at the
same time? Will I be able to make friends in my new class? Or, can I do this alone?
This whole phase of transition is scaring the shit out of me. 

Next, I had my second school camp.
Before the camp, I told myself to be as sociable as I possibly can.
I was hoping to improve from the previous camp I had. 
But soon after, it failed... 
In no time, I returned to my usual self of being the quiet and awkward one. 
It's funny cause I was super active during all of the games and activities,
but when it came down to group chats and conversations,
I felt like I just had nothing to say. 
Also, I experienced the fear of speaking in front of a group of people.
I know I lack the confidence. 
So, that sucked.
But I'm still glad that I made some friends.

And after, I returned home from camp with my best friend
still living in my house. We had the best time ever.
We had our heart to heart chats through the night where I confessed all of my university
fears to her and vice versa, we did crazy things like filming ourselves dancing to 
"Twerk it like Miley", and we had times where we just did nothing but enjoyed each other's
presence. 

Finally, today, it was time to send my best friend off
to her home country. Saying goodbye to her was honestly the hardest thing I
had to ever do. I just thought about everything we experienced together. Life 
hasn't been easy, but having my best friend around was comforting enough to
help me get through the tough times. Now that she's gone, it feels like there's an empty
spot in my life. And that really made my heart sink. 
I'm probably going to carry this heavy heart in me for a few weeks,
but I'm just thankful to have had such a strong bond with her.
I believe it will not be broken through the distance.


Now, this leaves me feeling both sad and scared. 
It's not a nice combination of feeling and I think I need a few days to 
recollect myself before I move on. 




Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Opening Up.

I just finished my first ever university camp yesterday,
and gosh I'm already missing everything from the camp.
I took part in my school's Arts Camp, and in that camp,
they introduced us to all of the different clubs that 
we can join when we come into the school.

I had the time of my life. 
I was forced to break out of my comfort zone
in so many ways, but I really loved being able to try new things.
We had workshops for all sorts of arts related things, like 
dance, poetry, music, broadcast and entertainment and drama.
Obviously, I intend to join dance, but it was a great experience.

We were able to watch the performances done by 
each club and I was super inspired by their talent and passion.
Everyone seemed to really enjoy what they were doing and
it's so nice to see that. 
My school has such a great arts scene, and I wish I could
be a part of something so amazing and I wish I could be
as amazing as the seniors that I've met on the camp.

Also, I have to mention the group mates that I had
on the camp. I'm really grateful to have the group mates 
and facilitators that I had cause all of them were 
incredibly nice. I really enjoyed all of the late night 
chats that my group had. In fact, we loved it so much, 
we didn't even sleep on our last night of the camp.
We definitely weren't the loudest and the most active group 
during the activities but I think it's safe to say that we were
the cheekiest group when it came down to our own
heart to heart chats.

As for myself, I would say that I've grown as a person.
I'm a super super shy person, and I was awfully quiet 
during my time in the camp with my group mates. 
I found it really hard to open myself up to people
within such a short span of time but I guess I tried.
I hope to continue to grow, to be more open, to be
more confident, to be louder when I speak.


1 camp down, 3 more to go!!!!
Let's do this. 

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Growth.

Hi there, it's been awhile.
June has been great, and I can't believe it's ending soon.
I've spent the month reflecting on the way I've been living my life
and I must say, I've been living life the wrong way the whole time.

All my life, I have such a strong desire for control.
Not the control over others, but for the fate of my own life.
I've always aimed for great success, and I've always thought
that I knew exactly what I wanted in life and I worked
really really really hard towards my goals (almost over-obsessively).
I'm super hard on myself, and I push others away.
As such, my hard work has had a reverse effect on many things in my life.
It in turn, became self-destructive.

But I guess, this problem peaked during my A'level days.
My desire for success and control over my life
resulted in panic attacks, anxiety, comparisons, jealousy,
insomnia, self-doubt and depression.
I hated my life.
I hated how everything that I've planned for myself never seemed
to come true. Instead, everything in my life that unfolded is not what
I expected it to be.

After everything that has happened to me over the past few months,
I realized, maybe this is what life is about.
Life is simply full of surprises and there is beauty in all of this unexpectedness.
The beauty comes when you realize in some far future why everything
in the past happened the way it happened.

So, I have decided to change attitude in life.
I want to live in the present, to live each moment in my life
to the fullest of my ability, without thinking of the "could haves"
or the future consequences.
I can have goals, but I don't want to have any expectations on the outcome
of that goal. Instead, I'll just do my very best and see where it takes me
and I'll go from there. And in that particular moment, I'll take any opportunies that comes
in my way and make my decisions based on love and not on fear...
Also, I want to have a greater compassion for others,
to be as kind as I possibly can for others,
cause "what you give is what it keeps of you".

Okay, wow, that was deep.
Let's move on to the other aspects of my life this month.
This month...
1. I exercised a lot.
2. I ate a  lot of yummy food and as a result, I'm broke now.
3. I did ballet :)
4. I finally watched friends and it was soooo good!
5. I bought lots of books.
6. SYTYCD started!!! I'm so happy. I'm really excited for this season.
7. I've been busy doing my pre-university business and there's so much to do,
and I'm so overwhelmed.

I intend to spend the rest of the month reading all my books and watching lots of movies.
Also, at the end of the month, I'll be going for my first ever university camp..
I have absolutely no expecations for it, I'll just see how that goes!




Alright, bye!!

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Trust.



So, after months and months of thinking,
I have finally decided which university I would like to study at, overseas or local,
and I chose to go with the latter. 
It wasn't easy coming up with this decision,
because ever since 3 years ago, it has always been my 
dream to go to an overseas university and attain my dream life. 

Even though a part of me feels bitter at the fact that I won't be able 
to pursue that desired life that I've been dreaming of, I do feel like 
deep down, staying back may be a better option.
Maybe I'm just not ready yet, I don't know,
but I figured that no matter how much or how long I've wanted to go overseas,
I should just trust my gut. 

In the process of making this decision,
I've learnt to stop trying to take control over my life,
to just see where my fate takes me and to give 
it my all at whatever life throws at me. 
Also, I've learnt to follow my heart, 
and to throw away whatever fear that I have in my heart
to follow whatever my heart tells me with courage.
But this does not equates to the pursuit of reckless and wilful desires.


I figured that my life would be filled with a lot more happiness and sense of fulfilment. 
I still have a month or two before my university life starts.
 In the meantime, I just hope to be emotionally recharged and to enjoy this 
period of time to the best that I can. 

I've been taking a retreat from life recently,
and I think it's time to get my life together. 

Healthy living starts today!
Healthy sleeping schedule,
healthier diet,
more exercise, 
more dancing,
keeping my room neat and clean,
reading more books,
watching more movies and tv shows,
going to stores to buy things that I need,
and lastly, being financially responsible. 

Okay, maybe it's too late to start today since it's already 3.14 AM 
and I'm not asleep. 
But yes, I'll work on it. 




Wednesday, 6 May 2015

A time for self-actualization


It's been a week since I stopped working.
I'm not gonna lie, I actually had a little bit of withdrawal from work.
It felt weird to stop the hectic work schedule that I've been having and 
seeing the faces I've been seeing for the past 4 months.
My friends call me a workaholic. 
And I guess that's true. I do love working.

But as time passes, I realized that I should really learn to stop and take a breath.
And this time that I have before my university life starts is a great
opportunity. Thus, I should really take the time to rest and re-evaluate my life because
times like this will never come again. 

And now, I'm so glad that I left my job.
I just signed up for another dance class.
I finally found a contemporary dance class that I really like based on the looks of it,
that is not where all the popular kids go to in their cliques,
somewhere I feel that I'll really grow. 
As of now, I'll be having dance classes 3 times a week.
One for contemporary, one for hip hop and the other for ballet.

I'm so happy I can cry.
I feel so proud of myself for having the courage to sign up for opportunities like 
these. The decision to leave my dance studio and going on to search for my own dance classes 
hasn't been easy. But I felt like I had to leave, because I feel like I don't belong there 
and at some point in time, it gets a little suffocating. 

Alright, I can't wait to attend the class!
At the moment, I'm watching as many movies and tv shows as I can
and I'm lovin it. I can't wait to get into my books soon too!!!


Okay, till next time :)

Friday, 1 May 2015

A bittersweet liberation.


It was my last day of work yesterday, 
and the original post I did regarding this just didn't seem to do justice to how exactly I feel about this.
So, I shall make another post.

As of right now, I'm feeling a bunch of different emotions.

I just feel that it's crazy how fate works out. 
At the start of the year, I felt absolutely terrified about getting this job.
There was just so much to learn, so much to do and I wasn't the most confident person.
And just after I felt like I was starting to get used to my work place, 
I got transferred into another work place that is even more difficult to work in as compared
 to my previous work place.
I also didn't think that I would be able fit in with my new colleagues.
It was a horrible feeling, and I was so tempted to quit.

And months after months, I just stuck with it. 
And all of a sudden, my bosses start telling me that I'm great at what I do, 
my colleagues seem to be increasingly accepting of me, 
my job seem to get less intimidating as I thought it'll be. 
And now, I've reached the end of my work life.
I'm proud to say that I've persevered through this really tough experience.

What made this farewell so bitter, was the bonds that I've made with my colleagues 
over the course of these months. They threw me a farewell party and they all left really sweet messages for me on my last day, and I must say I felt really touched. 
As a temporary staff, never would I expect to mean anything to anyone in that company.
In fact, I never felt like I meant anything to anyone in my own personal life.
I'm just thankful that my fate has crossed path with theirs.
It wasn't long, but it was great while it lasted and it'll always be precious to me. 
I'm gonna miss them so much.

But that's okay, I'll get over it.
I think it's time for me to take a break from life.
I'm experiencing a type of exhaustion right now, that I think even sleep 
wouldn't help. It's a type of exhaustion that has been accumulated through a long period of time.
All I wanna do is to have a ton of "me" time...
Watching movies or tv shows, reading a lot of books, dancing, exercising, sleeping.
I don't even want to go out  and socialize anymore.
I want to take a retreat from life for the time being.

Anyway, these 4 months have really taught me about learning to let go,
to let go of my control over my life and to go with the flow of life.
Times may be tough, but it'll be okay in the end and you'll be a better version of yourself.

Alright, I'm truly exhausted. 
I shall take a good long sleep now. 

Here's to May 2015!