Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Opening Up.

I just finished my first ever university camp yesterday,
and gosh I'm already missing everything from the camp.
I took part in my school's Arts Camp, and in that camp,
they introduced us to all of the different clubs that 
we can join when we come into the school.

I had the time of my life. 
I was forced to break out of my comfort zone
in so many ways, but I really loved being able to try new things.
We had workshops for all sorts of arts related things, like 
dance, poetry, music, broadcast and entertainment and drama.
Obviously, I intend to join dance, but it was a great experience.

We were able to watch the performances done by 
each club and I was super inspired by their talent and passion.
Everyone seemed to really enjoy what they were doing and
it's so nice to see that. 
My school has such a great arts scene, and I wish I could
be a part of something so amazing and I wish I could be
as amazing as the seniors that I've met on the camp.

Also, I have to mention the group mates that I had
on the camp. I'm really grateful to have the group mates 
and facilitators that I had cause all of them were 
incredibly nice. I really enjoyed all of the late night 
chats that my group had. In fact, we loved it so much, 
we didn't even sleep on our last night of the camp.
We definitely weren't the loudest and the most active group 
during the activities but I think it's safe to say that we were
the cheekiest group when it came down to our own
heart to heart chats.

As for myself, I would say that I've grown as a person.
I'm a super super shy person, and I was awfully quiet 
during my time in the camp with my group mates. 
I found it really hard to open myself up to people
within such a short span of time but I guess I tried.
I hope to continue to grow, to be more open, to be
more confident, to be louder when I speak.


1 camp down, 3 more to go!!!!
Let's do this. 

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Growth.

Hi there, it's been awhile.
June has been great, and I can't believe it's ending soon.
I've spent the month reflecting on the way I've been living my life
and I must say, I've been living life the wrong way the whole time.

All my life, I have such a strong desire for control.
Not the control over others, but for the fate of my own life.
I've always aimed for great success, and I've always thought
that I knew exactly what I wanted in life and I worked
really really really hard towards my goals (almost over-obsessively).
I'm super hard on myself, and I push others away.
As such, my hard work has had a reverse effect on many things in my life.
It in turn, became self-destructive.

But I guess, this problem peaked during my A'level days.
My desire for success and control over my life
resulted in panic attacks, anxiety, comparisons, jealousy,
insomnia, self-doubt and depression.
I hated my life.
I hated how everything that I've planned for myself never seemed
to come true. Instead, everything in my life that unfolded is not what
I expected it to be.

After everything that has happened to me over the past few months,
I realized, maybe this is what life is about.
Life is simply full of surprises and there is beauty in all of this unexpectedness.
The beauty comes when you realize in some far future why everything
in the past happened the way it happened.

So, I have decided to change attitude in life.
I want to live in the present, to live each moment in my life
to the fullest of my ability, without thinking of the "could haves"
or the future consequences.
I can have goals, but I don't want to have any expectations on the outcome
of that goal. Instead, I'll just do my very best and see where it takes me
and I'll go from there. And in that particular moment, I'll take any opportunies that comes
in my way and make my decisions based on love and not on fear...
Also, I want to have a greater compassion for others,
to be as kind as I possibly can for others,
cause "what you give is what it keeps of you".

Okay, wow, that was deep.
Let's move on to the other aspects of my life this month.
This month...
1. I exercised a lot.
2. I ate a  lot of yummy food and as a result, I'm broke now.
3. I did ballet :)
4. I finally watched friends and it was soooo good!
5. I bought lots of books.
6. SYTYCD started!!! I'm so happy. I'm really excited for this season.
7. I've been busy doing my pre-university business and there's so much to do,
and I'm so overwhelmed.

I intend to spend the rest of the month reading all my books and watching lots of movies.
Also, at the end of the month, I'll be going for my first ever university camp..
I have absolutely no expecations for it, I'll just see how that goes!




Alright, bye!!

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Trust.



So, after months and months of thinking,
I have finally decided which university I would like to study at, overseas or local,
and I chose to go with the latter. 
It wasn't easy coming up with this decision,
because ever since 3 years ago, it has always been my 
dream to go to an overseas university and attain my dream life. 

Even though a part of me feels bitter at the fact that I won't be able 
to pursue that desired life that I've been dreaming of, I do feel like 
deep down, staying back may be a better option.
Maybe I'm just not ready yet, I don't know,
but I figured that no matter how much or how long I've wanted to go overseas,
I should just trust my gut. 

In the process of making this decision,
I've learnt to stop trying to take control over my life,
to just see where my fate takes me and to give 
it my all at whatever life throws at me. 
Also, I've learnt to follow my heart, 
and to throw away whatever fear that I have in my heart
to follow whatever my heart tells me with courage.
But this does not equates to the pursuit of reckless and wilful desires.


I figured that my life would be filled with a lot more happiness and sense of fulfilment. 
I still have a month or two before my university life starts.
 In the meantime, I just hope to be emotionally recharged and to enjoy this 
period of time to the best that I can. 

I've been taking a retreat from life recently,
and I think it's time to get my life together. 

Healthy living starts today!
Healthy sleeping schedule,
healthier diet,
more exercise, 
more dancing,
keeping my room neat and clean,
reading more books,
watching more movies and tv shows,
going to stores to buy things that I need,
and lastly, being financially responsible. 

Okay, maybe it's too late to start today since it's already 3.14 AM 
and I'm not asleep. 
But yes, I'll work on it. 




Wednesday, 6 May 2015

A time for self-actualization


It's been a week since I stopped working.
I'm not gonna lie, I actually had a little bit of withdrawal from work.
It felt weird to stop the hectic work schedule that I've been having and 
seeing the faces I've been seeing for the past 4 months.
My friends call me a workaholic. 
And I guess that's true. I do love working.

But as time passes, I realized that I should really learn to stop and take a breath.
And this time that I have before my university life starts is a great
opportunity. Thus, I should really take the time to rest and re-evaluate my life because
times like this will never come again. 

And now, I'm so glad that I left my job.
I just signed up for another dance class.
I finally found a contemporary dance class that I really like based on the looks of it,
that is not where all the popular kids go to in their cliques,
somewhere I feel that I'll really grow. 
As of now, I'll be having dance classes 3 times a week.
One for contemporary, one for hip hop and the other for ballet.

I'm so happy I can cry.
I feel so proud of myself for having the courage to sign up for opportunities like 
these. The decision to leave my dance studio and going on to search for my own dance classes 
hasn't been easy. But I felt like I had to leave, because I feel like I don't belong there 
and at some point in time, it gets a little suffocating. 

Alright, I can't wait to attend the class!
At the moment, I'm watching as many movies and tv shows as I can
and I'm lovin it. I can't wait to get into my books soon too!!!


Okay, till next time :)

Friday, 1 May 2015

A bittersweet liberation.


It was my last day of work yesterday, 
and the original post I did regarding this just didn't seem to do justice to how exactly I feel about this.
So, I shall make another post.

As of right now, I'm feeling a bunch of different emotions.

I just feel that it's crazy how fate works out. 
At the start of the year, I felt absolutely terrified about getting this job.
There was just so much to learn, so much to do and I wasn't the most confident person.
And just after I felt like I was starting to get used to my work place, 
I got transferred into another work place that is even more difficult to work in as compared
 to my previous work place.
I also didn't think that I would be able fit in with my new colleagues.
It was a horrible feeling, and I was so tempted to quit.

And months after months, I just stuck with it. 
And all of a sudden, my bosses start telling me that I'm great at what I do, 
my colleagues seem to be increasingly accepting of me, 
my job seem to get less intimidating as I thought it'll be. 
And now, I've reached the end of my work life.
I'm proud to say that I've persevered through this really tough experience.

What made this farewell so bitter, was the bonds that I've made with my colleagues 
over the course of these months. They threw me a farewell party and they all left really sweet messages for me on my last day, and I must say I felt really touched. 
As a temporary staff, never would I expect to mean anything to anyone in that company.
In fact, I never felt like I meant anything to anyone in my own personal life.
I'm just thankful that my fate has crossed path with theirs.
It wasn't long, but it was great while it lasted and it'll always be precious to me. 
I'm gonna miss them so much.

But that's okay, I'll get over it.
I think it's time for me to take a break from life.
I'm experiencing a type of exhaustion right now, that I think even sleep 
wouldn't help. It's a type of exhaustion that has been accumulated through a long period of time.
All I wanna do is to have a ton of "me" time...
Watching movies or tv shows, reading a lot of books, dancing, exercising, sleeping.
I don't even want to go out  and socialize anymore.
I want to take a retreat from life for the time being.

Anyway, these 4 months have really taught me about learning to let go,
to let go of my control over my life and to go with the flow of life.
Times may be tough, but it'll be okay in the end and you'll be a better version of yourself.

Alright, I'm truly exhausted. 
I shall take a good long sleep now. 

Here's to May 2015!



Saturday, 18 April 2015

Hectic.


The picture above fully illustrates the state I'm in right now.
This month has been extremely hectic.
I've had to juggle the work life, my university applications, dance classes and
my social life all at the same time and I haven't had the chance to sit down
and catch a breath.

I'm so exhausted.

But the good news is, I survived.
I've been doing averagely well at work (a couple of mess ups, hopefully it'll all turn out fine),
I've been accepted into 2 universities so far,
I've been enjoying my dance classes, and I've had some fun
with my friends as well.

Also, my job will be coming to an end by the end of this month
and I cannot express the amount of anticipation I have for that.
I enjoyed working with most of my colleagues but this job
honestly scares the hell out of me.
I feel like I can't afford to deal with the consequences of messing up,
it's expensive.
Anyway, all I'm hoping for, is for the rest of my journey in this job
to be a smooth one, no mess ups.
I'm just going to have to do my absolute best, and not leave any mess for anyone
to clear up after I leave..





Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Work in Progress

It's 2AM in the morning, and I just feel like reflecting back on
my life right now, because I feel like a lot has changed and is about to be changed even more. 
Furthermore, it's the first day of April today, time is passing way too quickly.

First off, my work life. 
I've been working for quite a few months now and I'd say I've been adapting to my
new work place pretty well. I'm getting the hang of things and I guess I'm getting better.
Okay, I still mess up from time to time (a lot). There are just some days where everything seems to
go wrong, and today is one of them. I just kept screwing up or problems just kept coming up.. 
I really hope that days like this don't come too often, because the consequences of the mistakes are 
too much for me to bear. One thing I've learnt from my work experience so far, is to relax and take things with a light heart, I feel like I perform better and mistakes made are minimised this way. 
I just have to remind myself to try my very best and concentrate on my task at hand, but to not let fear of making mistakes consume me. After all, this is my part time job and it's my holiday after the A'levels, I should learn to enjoy my job. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm counting down to my last month at work!!
I'm kind of excited, because I just can't wait to take a break from life and get back to reading books and watching tv shows and movies. This job has taken up the majority of my time and I'm beyond exhausted.
One thing for sure though, I'll miss my colleagues. I've got to bond with them for quite a bit in my time at work, and it's been really enjoyable. They're all pretty helpful and friendly, some of them are hilarious and it seriously makes work so fun sometimes.
Secondly, my study life.
I've just applied to all the schools that I'd be interested in studying. I got accepted into the overseas university that I applied for. I'm super happy, but the thought of the cost and fees really pull me back. This is gonna be a really hard decision for me to make... There are too many risks that come with going overseas and I don't know if I'll be able to cope with it. Right now, I'm just trying to keep my options open and by the time I receive all my offers, I hope I'll be able to come up with a decision that would make me happy.
For now, I'll wait.

Now, my personal growth.
I've been doing a lot of things independently recently. I signed up for dance classes alone (super happy to make a new friend through that), I watch movies alone, I eat alone and I can't be happier. The freedom of doing whatever you want with the money that you earned by yourself is so sweet. Friends are important, but learning to survive alone is even more important. Because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. And if you're able to find happiness by simply being you, you're good to go. Also, in doing so, I had to break out of my comfort zone a lot, and it's fulfilling to be able to experience new things.

So... a lot has indeed changed (me and my life) and I know it's in the process of changing 
even more, it's my life's work in progress. I hope that things will get better.
 At the end of the day, I just wanna live life to the fullest.