Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Torn



I'm in a dilemma right now. 
For the last 2 years, I had such a clear idea of where I wanna be in future. 
I don't know why, but for some reason this idea seems to be diminishing. 
I suppose it's because of the unexpected bump in the road 
(My rubbish A'level grades)
that caused me to lose hope. 

It's not terribly bad, but it's not good enough for me to get into the course that I like..
Unless, I go through a lengthy tedious troublesome process.
And questions like "Is this really worth all the trouble?" or "should I give up"
starts popping in my head.

I can't believe this. 
I thought I believed in this dream so strongly. 
Anyway, as of right now, i'm stuck between choosing whether or not
I wanna stay behind in my home country to pursue courses that I may or may not enjoy
or leave home to pursue something I've been dreaming about.
I need some signs.. 
God, if you're reading this, please give me some hints.

The fine line between giving up and letting go of what may or may not be right for you. 
It's depressing, I almost feel like I need to re-examine my life. 



Sunday, 8 March 2015

Dear future me,

Now that I've gotten back my A'levels results,
it's time to think about my future.
This week, I've been spending quite some time researching on all
the universities matters and about the career opportunities that I'll get. 
I'm not gonna lie, it's exhausting. 
There's just so much to research for. 
But the bigger problem is, I'm in a dilemma of choosing between my passion
(in which is completely foreign to me) or my comfort zone 
(which I may not be super interested in).
And this decision could affect the way I spend the rest of my life,
 and this scares me. 



But for now, I'd like to take the time to step back from this bundle worries that I'm 
experiencing and do something I thought would be fun...
To write a letter to my future self and when come back to read this when I have lived
through the outcome of this choice. (Inspired by Andrea Russett's youtube video)

Dear future me,

I hope everything's been fine. You've been through so much to get to this point and I'm glad you've survived till now and I hope you'll continue to stay strong. Remember the time when you're still unsure of which path to choose? I don't know what you've chosen, but I just hope that you're happy and healthy. I hope you're still that determined, resilient and strong person you were last time. And also, have you becomet that independent person you aspired to be?

So first off, what's your favorite movie right now?
Is it still Interstellar by the amazing Christopher Nolan? Did he release anymore amazing movies?

Secondly, favorite bands?
Mine right now, is Tokio Hotel, Paramore, Mayday Parade, We The Kings and Yellowcard.

Favorite TV show?
Fringe? Nothing can beat Fringe..... 
How many time have you watched Fringe?

Current worries?
What I'll be doing by the time you're reading this. 
I hope everything's all right. 
I hope you're a better person than me. 

Current goals?
To be really succesful in my career,
to prove myself to my world.

Outlook on relationship?
Being single is the best. 

Anyway, that's about it really. I gotta head to bed because I have to work tomorrow. (Yes, the telecommunication customer service job that was super scary.... I hope nothing bad happened.)

Bye!!!!

Monday, 2 March 2015

The final stamp on my 2 year journey.

Today marks the official end to my A'levels life,
because I got my freaking results back.
It's the moment of truth, everything that I've been working for the past 2 years.

I would say that I'm just thankful that my results were not terrible.
I was just a little disappointed because I feel that my results were not on par
with the amount of hard work that I've put into this.
But all in all, my results do not determine my worth as a person.

Personally, I feel proud of myself for surviving 12 years of this education system.
I'd have to admit, I'm not a study person.
I can work harder than anyone else, change my study methods countless of times,
but I can never really do better than people who are just academically intelligent.
After struggling in my studies for so many years, I achieved average results in the end
and that's enough for me.

If there's one thing that I could've done in the 2 years,
that can result in me doing slightly better, it'd have to be not being
too hard on myself. I was so consumed with wanting to do well,
that I jeopardised my physical and mental health (I can still feel the effects of it today)
and I burned out in the end.

But, who would've known?
I'll treat this as a lesson learnt, and I don't have any regrets because in the
end it just proves that with hard work, you won't really go wrong.

Anyway, another journey awaits as I apply for the universities..
My dream course in my dream city.
And up next, my dream job. (I hope it comes true)
I don't know what's gonna happen or what God has planned for me,
(secretly hoping that it's similar to the plan that I've laid out for myself)
but I'll just keep going.

Sunday, 1 March 2015

February 2015


Today's the first day of March. 
I can't believe how fast the first 2 months of the year went by.
Before I head on with March, I think important for me to set some time
aside from life to reflect about these 2 months.

I've mentioned this in one of my posts earlier,
this year will be a year full of mysteries for me. 
I literally have no clue about where I would be or what I
would be doing unlike the previous years where I actually know 
what I would be facing or what I'd be doing in preparation for anything that
would be coming up in the year. (I'm simply referring to my school tests and exams)
It's going to be scary, exciting, and whatever emotions that I can't even begin to imagine right now. 

And the past 2 months has indeed been nothing that I 
could ever imagine last year.
First off, I started off January in another country, meeting new people,
experiencing another culture and learning to be independent without my family.
It was an eye opening trip and I felt really fulfilled. 


Next, I got my first ever job.
It was so crazy because it was overwhelmingly difficult but
I'd say I've learn a lot. Being in the customer service job, it really
trained me to stand firm against rude and unreasonable customers
because it's so easy to crumble (well, still am sometimes).
As if things can't get any tougher, I got transferred to another
work place, which is even more difficult to work in compared to the 
previous place.

But one thing is for sure, 
I'm really thankful for the colleagues that I've gotten
 to know over the course of these 2 months. 
They're nice and friendly, and really accepting of me. 
It's heartwarming to see that my colleagues genuinely care for me.
I just find it crazy how everything turned out in the end, like how
my fate crossed path with theirs and how I got the opportunity to know their
existence and for them to know mine. 
(I think way too much for my own good sometimes)

So, yes it's crazy because 2 months ago, before the year started, it was not
in my wildest imagination that this is how I'd be spending my time for these 2 months
and possibly for the next few months....

Anyway, it's time to welcome the month of March. 
Now, the start of March this year would be a very special one, because
I'd be getting my A'levels results. 
Yes, the thing I've been studying so hard for the last 2 years, where I've complained 
about so much in nearly all of my posts in 2013 and 2014. 
It's almost like the season finale for a tv show.
Well, one thing I know for sure is that I'd be extremely busy trying
to prepare for my university applications.. 
There's just so much to prepare for.
The next step to turn my dreams into a reality!

It's crazy how life turns out isn't it?
Okay, I better head off to sleep because I have a long
day at work tomorrow. 




Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Terrifying job.

Hey there, it's been long. 
I've been working a lot, I almost have no life. 

So, I've just been transferred into a new work place, 
a new branch of the same shop, to be specific. 
And I've been appointed to take on the role of a cashier.
It's not like your ordinary cashier job in the super market or 
customer service.
It's a telecommunication business.

This means that I'll have to have a good knowledge
of regarding mobile plans, tv plans, broadband plans, prepaid plans, the billing of services
and most importantly, I have to be super careful with the money.
And this terrifies the shit out of me. 
I'm so new that I still find it a struggle to give customers any decent advice
and also the amount of money being handled is so much I can't afford to make 
any mistakes like literally, because I will not be able to afford the compensation.

Every night, whenever I do the closing, I always do it in fear.
It's kind of like a report card to me, cause it reflects how well
I fare doing the job for the day, just that the consequence of not 
doing well is forking out my own money to pay for my mistakes.

And today, I had to pay 7 bucks.
I'm just thankful it's 7 bucks, I can't imagine 
it being a huge sum. But this is a great reminder to me, 
to be extra careful with every transaction made
 and to get enough rest the night before.
I'm honestly so exhausted everyday cause I work for about 
12 hours a day, and the travelling takes another 2 hours.

Okay, enough of the bad stuff about my work.
I'll share some of the great things about it.

I kind of enjoy my new work place.
The people there are friendly and nice... 
And I feel like I'm a part of it now that I've 
officially been added into the whatsapp group.
It does feel pretty cool.
Secondly, I feel like it's a great training ground to 
be vocal and firm in myself cause you can't handle nasty customers
if you're weak on your own.


Well, that's it. 
For the most part, it is terrifying and I take it very seriously.
I just hope that something like this will never happen again and
that I'll get better at my job soon.

Till next time.

Monday, 9 February 2015

A tough February.

Just received the worst news ever.
I would be sent to another branch due to their shortage of manpower.
I just started getting the hang of my job.
Now I'm being taken away, and sent to a whole new work place.
As if things can't any scarier,
I've heard countless of stories about how hard it is to
work at that place,
which is already enough to scare the hell out of me.

I'm not ready for this.
I can't believe I'll be there for the rest of the month.
I don't even know if I should trust them when they say
that it's only going to be till the end of the month.

It's probably because I'm weak and that I'm
really bad when it comes to going out of my comfort zone.
I mean, I'm trying to, but I thought this process would
be a lot slower and less intimidating.

But no matter what, I will not quit until April.
I will persevere.
I hope that I can make the best out of this bad 
situation, and I hope that I have the strength, wisdom
and courage to get through this.

May God help me through February 2015. 

quote-a-lyric:

Lumi- Ashestoangels 
Submitted by: toast-the-ghosts-of-you-and-me

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Dreams money can buy.

They say money can't buy happiness,
but I'm pretty sure in my case, money can. 

Ever since young I've always appreciated the arts,
whether it's dance, music, films, tv shows, literature or visual arts.
And I know for sure that I would pursue a career with something 
along this line. Dating back to 2 years ago, I started giving more 
thought about what I wanted to do with my life and soon enough,
I realized that pursuing my dream will not be possible in the place
I live in. Thus, I started to work towards moving out.

I chose the path of the A'levels instead of the diplomas, because in
my country, it would be the fastest option to get into a university.
And I thought that I can use this opportunity, to move out and get
started concretely on working towards my dream in the place
which opens more doors for my desired career.

And I used this goal, to motivate myself through the A'levels.
I studied the hardest I've ever studied, I sacrificed so much for this.
And now that the A'levels is over and it's time for me to start planning 
to find the most suitable university... 
It turns out, that fees would be a problem. 
My parents may have to fork out a large sum in order to turn this into a 
reality (unless I do really well for the A'levels, which would be a miracle,
I can try getting a scholarship and everything would work out
fine). Now, I'm stuck between wanting to pursue my dreams, and the guilt
of having my parents to pay such a large sum of money for me.. 

In this case, everything is planned out.. 
I've planned each step so clearly, and the only thing missing
from this perfect plan, is the money.
Times like this, I just hope that a pile of money can just
fall from the sky.

Money can buy happiness, 
so long as you don't equate the amount of wealth you have 
to your happiness. 


Talking about money,  I just earned my first pay!
It's really exciting because I know for sure the money
didn't come easy. This job is pretty tough... Tough enough
for my whole family and almost all of my friends to tell me to quit. 
Well, but I decided not to because it just doesn't seem right to quit 
because it's hard. I shall stick to the plan in my previous post!

Okay, I'm tired and I have work tomorrow. 
Off to watch my favorite tv show of all time: Fringe.
(Hah, yeah I'm watching Fringe again)